On a ear ending note..

As I sit to write this blog, I try to recollect.. how many times I've been good this year, how many times my thoughts and acts were nothing less than diabolical, how many friends I could keep in touch with, how many I did let go in life's usual course, how many times I felt greatful for the life I were living and how many times I cursed myself for making the wrong choice and having put myself into the resultant mess ... How many numbers.. how many things to keep track of and use as a measure against self-improvement...

I guess this year was pretty bad if I see the no. of times I lost my composure over petty things.. But I guess this year was quite a ray of hope if the instances where I kept my patience were anything to go by... I guess one can not correctly create a balance sheet at the end of a 365 days period.. but yes one can definitely say in which direction is the personality skewed.. it could be the positivity of knowing where one is wrong and actually taking responsibility for it.. or it could be the pessimistic view of blaming others and everything between heaven and earth (except oneself of course)...

And life dwells more in moments than years and days... I lost two of my family members due to old age and sickness this year and mourned two sudden, unexpected deaths in families of friends.. and there were a few more that kept me grounded at least for a day or two on how bitter life can be... How all dreams get washed off in the split of a second, one can learn from Life or rather its final culmination...

And I truly lived more deeply in these moments and in those that brought joy to my soul .. than any of the 365 days put together.. Sad, how we waste life.. and how it wastes us when time passes.. I guess I copied one of the poets who said - 'I wasted time and now doth time waste me...'

I lived truly, madly, deeply in the moments when love engulfed me, took me in its embrace and shut me from the world.. when it brought the child in me back to life, pure and unadulterated.. i lived pasionately when I gave form to my dreams, challenged boundations, bursted myths and opened my own company after a 3 yr. successful career which could have just been better by each passing day..

I lived truly... Its music to ears... the sound of the smiles that one smiles from heart... due to all the satisfaction that one garnered.. the sigh of having achieved something after all the efforts... This was it.. this year end audit of the plus and minus... on a ear ending note.

There must be a way out..

How many times do we feel perturbed and unnecessarily agitated by, ... well temporary distractions.. I wouldn't exactly call them problems but even if I did it really doesn't make the whole thing negative because even the dictionary meaning of problem is - a question proposed for solution or discussion, so ultimately no matter what there will be a solution to anything that I come across as a problem.

But I would prefer to call it a temporary distraction no matter what.. And the good thing is its temporary :) Even the Olympic Silver Medalist Major Rajyawardhan Singh Rathore said in an interview - "Situations have a way of changing.." . The only thing permanent that I find is nature, human nature, that deep instilled characteristic that we call temperament and which we in a very hyped way call 'Attitude'.

Our nature, our temperament is so very elastic in nature; it keeps returning to its usual self. The self that is so occupied with itself that it hardly sees the greater truth. I find myself many a times contradicting; I don't do what I preach... Maybe its like that shayari .. 'Kabhi kabhi yu bhi hamne apne dil ko bahlaya hai, jin baaton ko khud nahi samjhe auron ko samjhaya hai'

But inspite of all these conflicts and opposing traits, I still believe a lot in human aspiration and hope... the oblivious flame that burns in every little soul. I believe that no matter what all situations will change for the better and I will be able to be whoever I want to be and find a way out of these problems .. er temporary distractions.

Pitter patter..

Are blogs better than writing personal diaries? Umm I don't think so, fast yes but not better.. But then speed has taken up our lives and when 'saving time' is on the agenda, who can complain.

Rains are very swift memory seekers, aren't they (Just like Mr. Potter of Griffindor) .. they love to dupe us by their slow pitter-patter while they deftly do their jobs at the back of our minds. Its raining outside, no smarty points for that, you must've guessed it by now and yes its begun to play the trick. And where will the time machine take me this time? Umm I guess school it has to be, the sweet 'bachpan' of yore, the perennial center of nostalgia.

As one grows old, more and more no. of years of the early life get included in our talks that begin with - 'Jab hum chhote the..' As if Maths has some inverse relation with age and blurs the distinction between what was recent and what was older than recent.. I think age is taking its toll on me too :).

Whenever it rains I can only think of green.. green leaves breathing slowly, drained by the effort of keeping alive in the shower and trying their last to retain the remnants of little life giving pearls of water.. Like a lovely, frail lady, bereft of love, drained with her attempts to survive all alone, trying to hold onto the memories of her beloved, the last potions of life...

Ofcourse as a kid I would have never been able to pen that simile, those days jab hum chhote the, I loved to wet myself in the showers, every single pore and loved sailing paper boats in the narrow streams, springing up from nowhere within minutes of rainfall, and that too under an umbrella, lest the boat gets wet...How silly and how sweet and how thoughtful..

And when I could drive, I loved driving under a sharp torrent from the skies, along with friends and sisters... I just loved those rains cause they gave a new meaning to nothingness... They taught how beautiful silence is and that not doing anything can be so fulfilling.. Cause with so much of heavenly play around how can one not be silent and dumb and watch awestruck... And what was the need to do anything and how could anything of more significance be done, anything more urgent and important than gazing the greens around..

And how can one escape from relishing the silence, at its best... Those were the days of sitting in the balcony, listening to soft ghazals of Jagjeet & Chitra, snuggled cozily in a blanket with a tasty novel on the lap and crisp snacks by the side..

OOh mouth watering memories... I still like to gaze from the window and watch the rains but can not say that still relish getting wet crazily like before.. After all some things have to change!